Late Joke

I was upset but not too surprised when I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. “I’m terribly sorry officer” I said “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.” “That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing me my ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock” I said. The officer looked at his watch, “you could probably still make it if you hurry up!”

Drunk Driving Joke

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could

Speeding Ticket Joke

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the

Parking Fine Joke

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend, there was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Fax Joke

“Can you please fax over your resume?” asked the interviewer.
“I’m sorry” responded the blonde, “it’s my only copy!”

Shoe Joke

A blonde walks into a shoe store to try on a pair of shoes. After trying on a pair she complained that they were a bit tight. “Try pulling the tongue out,” suggests the sales clerk. “Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” responds the blonde.

Dumb Blonde Joke

Can you check if my rear blinker works?” hollered the brunette to the blonde pedestrian walking by.
“Sure,” responded the blonde, heading to the back of the car.
 “Ok,” said the brunette pushing the switch, “is it working?” “Yes, no, yes, no…”

Cow Joke

Q. How did the blonde die while drinking milk.

A.The cow sat down.

Blonde Bar Joke

“Hey guys who wants to hear a blonde joke?” Said a blind old man after settling himself down on a stool in the bar. The question was met with dead silent After a few second pause, the bartender walked up to the blind fella and put his face right up to his nose and said in a deep menacing voice. “I’m blond and I don’t appreciate blonde jokes! My wife is right next to me, she’s blonde and she doesn’t either appreciate blonde jokes. And best of all, on your right is a blond bodybuilder who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like blonde jokes either! Would you still like to say that joke?”
“HELL NO!” Said the blind fella, “NOT IF I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE DARN JOKE THAT MANY TIMES!

Alzheimer’s Joke

So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says,
“You’re test results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
You have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s”.
The old man says, “That ain’t so bad, at least I don’t have Cancer!”

Eye Doctor Joke

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair. “There there”, he said “only one eye left!”

Worried Mom Joke

Mother – I need to speak to the doctor, it’s an emergency, my infant has a temperature of 101. Doctor to Secretary – Find out how she’s taking the temperature. Secretary – How are you taking it? Mother – Oh, I’m holding up OK.

Enjoy Life Joke

Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

Alcohol

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

Hypochondriac Joke

Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

Medical History Joke

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

Toilet Humor

A lady came in for a routine physical at the Doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The Doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

High Fever Joke

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?” Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”

Quarantine Joke

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

Read more at: undefined | Great Clean Jokes

Woops Sorry About That

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at

Thinking Tongue Twister

I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.

The Forgetful Actor

An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play. All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry the actor decided to take the role. Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?” -Robert De Nero

Surgery Joke

Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”

Prison Joke

Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that. As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm. As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?” “White collar crime” responded Brian nervously. “Hey man, how about

Peep Joke

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing last night as I was putting my 2 year old and 4 year old into bed. “I’M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A PEEP!” I hollered. I was about to close the door in a huff when I heard my two year old standing in his crib with a defiant look on his face saying “peep, peep, peep.”

Nervous Dad Joke

“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank G-d, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

Museum Joke

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.” “Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?” “Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”

Miss understanding Joke

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous. “John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.” So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door. “So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up. “How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

Memory Problems Joke

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

LOL Joke

John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom. It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom. ” How could he have failed?! … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?! Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?” his text said. “I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”

Leftovers Joke

“Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!” “Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”

Landlord Joke

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob. “Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated. “Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man

First Time Parents Joke

“Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!” “Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time. “OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?” “Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads..good… now your elbow pads..perfect.” And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!

Grandmother Joke

It was Timmy’s 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all the presents he received. He saved the biggest for last, so it took a while until he got to opening Grandma’s present. “Wow” Timmy exclaimed in delight, upon seeing the mini drum set that his Grandmother got for him. “Thanks Grandma this is just what I wanted.” It was after Timmy went to bed that Timmy’s mother approached her mother. “Ma, I’m surprised at you, don’t you remember how it used to drive you crazy when we used to play the drums in the house growing up?” Grandma smiled and then said “I remember, of course I remember.”

Feeling Pregnant Joke

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.” “We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?” “I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.” “You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor. “Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

Did You Miss Me???

Lilly has the four best friends. Carter, Adam, Ian, and David. When she's twelve, she moves away so her mom can follow a boyfriend she's had for only a week. This  leaves Lily heartbroken because she cant be with her best friends. Five years later, Lilly goes back to live with her grandma and wants to spend her senior year of high school with the best friends that she hasn't seen or heard from for the past five years. Sadly, there's a problem. None of the guys are friends with each other

Crazy Drunk Joke

Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door. “Can you give me a push”, asked the man at the door.” Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed. “Shame on you”, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story. “You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.” So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out “Ok I’m here to give you a push, where are you?” I’m over here in the back” came the voice “on the swing.”

Community Service Joke

Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents. Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents. After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body. “Mom,” said Lisa nervously, ” I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.” After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!” “Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!”

Clean Restaurant Joke

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”

Bitter Divorce Joke

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be. Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.” “That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”

Can You Hear Me?

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

Adult Underwear Joke

I was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should be wearing something more manly, like superman underwear?” All it took was a shrug of my shoulders and there were nine new pairs of underwear in the cart. I didn’t realize how right my wife was until I heard an excited holler coming from my sons room, “WooHoo finally some adult underwear!“

Toilet Brush Joke

Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?” After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

Horse Joke

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim

Heaven Joke

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and

Lol christ

And Air Mattress Does Not a Bed Make via Insomniac

He was my boyfriend (I'm a girl), and also a virgin.

Having sex on an air bed is at best a calculated risk, and at worst a complete and utter shitshow. This was the latter. Both of us were virgins, and he got a little...overenthusiastic when I suggested that it was time for us to do the deed. Because of the previously mentioned heat, we were

Sex Story

Snuck out of parents house a week before my 15th birthday. 1988. Walked to the party in the surfer-laden suburbs of Lake Forest (yep, the OC baby!). Was wearing thin peach top with black bra underneath, and short black 80s skirt that had those 3 ruffles tiered down it. Was blonde. Was very blonde due to Sun-In. Was tan. Was pretty fucking cute. Was being very brave because I hung out with punks, losers, dorks and

The Mystery of the Conch Shell Condom via Butchie

I was an emerging poet who loved and dated a boy for over a year just because he was the lead singer in a band and (this is what's more important) wrote the lyrics to all their songs. His mom—a local public high school English teacher who wanted desperately to be a writer, and with whom I hoped to connect so sweetly with that we'd go see Charles Dickens' plays together at Christmas, both of us wrapped up in scarves

That's What Friends and Their Husbands Are For via smurfette

I'm a nerd, and was a bit of a chubster in high school, so I didn't date. After I graduated, I stopped talking to everyone but my best friend from school, got hired by the USDA after a successful apprenticeship, and went to community college. I had a bit of a breakdown from lack of social interaction, and over the course of a year dropped out of college, did a fair amount of drugs (mostly pot), lost 60 lbs, became a vegetarian, quit my science job and started working at the local co-op. I met my first boyfriend at our weekly Dungeons and Dragons session.

The Dominant Older Woman via SageGirl's husband

She joined the company about a year after I did, I was in and out of the office a lot, because my job was mobile, so I'd stop and chat with her whenever I went by. She was fucking gorgeous, huge tits and whip-smart and funny. Me, being at the time, a fat, bespectacled nerd with a serious self-confidence problem, immediately thought "She's too good for me" and masturbated furiously to her image from afar but never made any moves on her for months. But we talked, laughed and, when my job gave me long breaks, I would keep her company while she wrangled the phones.

Conversations soon led us to discover that we had the same career plans (we both wanted to be cops) and just when I had barely wrangled up the gusto to ask "maybe

Lust On A Saturday Night

Teresa and I had only been together for a few weeks, just long enough for us to be confident in our feelings for one another. Even in public, I could barely keep my hands off her, and Teresa delighted in teasing me when I was least able to take advantage of her slim and inviting figure. This became a game between us, and she took every opportunity to drive me crazy with subtle touches and playful innuendos.

The Orthodox Virgins via therespizza

It was our wedding night, and despite having done damn near everything else, we had agreed to save the coitus, the final frontier, until we were married. We're Orthodox Jews, and hey, this was how we justified the everything else. He wasn't a virgin, having gotten religion in college after having his share of partners. I was, technically. After the wedding, still in our dress and suit (respectively), we drove over to the fancy hotel my parents graciously paid for (which is kind of weird in retrospect). I told him I had to "slip into something

The Insomniac

Introducing an all-new contributor to Volonte, Lois Pane. With an extensive writing history and an inexplicable air of mystery about her, Lois will be a featured erotic writer here. If you’re an experienced erotic writer and would like to contribute, please get in touch here!
Her body jolts her awake: 3:43 a.m.

My First Orgy

The word ‘orgy’ can conjure up different things for different people, particularly if you’ve never experienced one.

Some people might imagine a seedy gropefest in a darkened room. Others might picture an opulent and indulgent Greco-Roman affair, with grapes and wine spilling lasciviously over writhing bodies. In practice, a

Fire Escape – A New Sexy Story

This sexy story of a moment’s lust snatched under pressure is sure to raise your temperature. And as always, if this story inspires you to want to contribute, please do get in touch with us here.
As bland, characterless multinational offices go, Sara’s could have been worse. She had long ago learned to tune out the indistinct hum of printers, copiers, coffee percolators, ringing phones and stifled chatter. It had become white noise, almost therapeutic when she allowed herself the time to concentrate on it.

Election Dial

Fornication, fornication, fornication: as 71.4 per cent of adults in Britain were going to the polls to determine which party would be governing them next, I was in a hotel in Richmond waiting for Max to show for a little party of our own. Yes, I did vote, by the way and no, I’m not going to tell you who for.